Enter Feste
Feste: Is it possible to live with no love?
Is life worth living when I’m not myself?
Is this all I’m really capable of?
If I told him would he think I’m an elf?
If the world know the truth, what would the do?
Woman as a man in love with a man?
As much as I try, my looks make me blue.
Why am I so ugly? Like a bedpan.
Live life like this I can do no longer,
so I must tell my love, then I can be free.
Once the truth is out, I will feel stronger;
when the world knows, love is able to be.
Duke Orsino is my only true love,
the time to tell him is now just above.
Enter Orsino
Orsino: My ears are burning.
Feste: Yes, uh sorry I was just talking to myself… I have something to tell you…
Orsino: Yes?
Feste: I am a woman and in love with you.
Orsino: How can this be? This is ridiculous.
Feste rips off beard and boy clothing to reveal a more feminine, but more ugly look
Feste: It is, I had to hide my looks in order to spare the world from my hideousness, however I can’t hide my love for you any longer, please let me love you and make you laugh for the rest of our lives.
Orsino: Well you are very funny… Looking that is, I’ll have to take a hard pass on that one.
Feste: How can a pass be hard?
Orsino: I’m sorry.
Feste: I know it is a lot to process, so I will come back later when the decision making part of your brain has recovered.
Orsino: Uh, okay.
Orsino starts to leave but is stopped by Viola racing in in a fit of rage.
Viola is clearly not herself and pins Orsino against the wall and almost bites his neck when Sebastian enters
Sebastian: Viola, stop! Calm down, this isn’t you, forget about the blood.
Feste: What in the world is going on?
Viola lunges at Feste but Sebastian stops her
Sebastian: Viola!
Viola calms down
Viola: Oh my God, I’m so sorry.
Orsino: What is happening?
Sebastian: Nothing at all, Viola is not going crazy.
Viola to Sebastian: Should we tell them?
Sebastian: It is too risky.
Feste: What? Tell us what? Tell us! Or would it cause some bad blood?
Viola and Sebastian: Fine.
Viola: So long story short, Sebastian and I are vampires…
Feste and Orsino gasp
Orsino: Vampires? Oh my dear Viola, why didn’t you tell me?
Viola: Uh, um, well-
Sebastian: I wouldn’t let her.
Orsino: But why?
Sebastian: Because vampires can’t love.
Orsino: What? But Viola? What?
Viola: I’m sorry Orsino, but it is true.
Orsino: But, but, but, but, bu-
Sebastian: And now that y’all know, we must leave, bye.
Viola and Sebastian exit
Orsino: Well Feste, now that Viola is out of the picture, I guess that it’s just you and me!
Feste: Really?! That is fantastic, I LOVE you!
Orsino and Feste run off into sunset together
